There are days when everything is overwhelming. There are days when I feel what’s the point of it all?
What’s the point in me trying to write?
What’s the point with coming up with 10 ideas per day?
What’s the point in dragging myself out of bed at 5 am every morning when I could be sleeping until 6.30?
So then I stop doing it. And what happens then? The first two days feels good. Nice to sleep a little longer in the mornings. No pressure of coming up with ideas during the day. No pressure of putting words on paper.
But then I become numb. I’ve never taken any prescription antidepressants or anything like that, but I’m guessing this is a little like it would feel. Desensitized. Being unable to feel the full spectrum of emotions. As if nothing matters anymore.
The feeling of what’s the point of it all creeps up on me. Threatens to swallow me in one single bite. I must resist the urge of becoming even more lethargic.
This is no way to live. I have to be constantly evolving otherwise I might as well give up. But on some days the process to become the person that I want to be is simply too much.
I feel as if nothing is going to become of my writing. That it’s no point cause no one will read what I write anyway. So I might as well stop doing it. But for whom do I write? Well, to be honest, even though I hope that my words will be read by someone else, I write for me. Me only. I write what I need to write. Not what I think other people might want to read.
Life is hard. For everyone. We simply have to deal with it. Head on. There’s no other way. Unless we prefer to become numb. But even though that might feel good for a day or two, in the long run it’s devastating. Not just for you, but for everyone around you as well.
Focusing on here and now helps me stay present in the moment. To not dwell on regrets from the past. Things that I could have done differently. To not worry about the future. There are things that are out of my control and worrying about them consumes too much energy. All I can do is to watch them unravel over time and do the best I can in every situation that arises. Being present in the moment isn’t easy. Your mind tends to wander. But when it does, give it a gentle push to stay in the present.
The other day, I was on my way home with my 5-year old daughter in the car. The sun was shining, but all of a sudden raindrops started to hit the wind shield. I commented that we should be on the look out for a rainbow. After a few minutes she shouted from the backseat: ”I see a rainbow!”. I pulled over to the side of the road. And there it was. A beautiful rainbow. It followed us all the way home.
My daughter wanted to know what a rainbow was. I tried to explain to the best of my ability. It was difficult for her to grasp that it’s not actually a physical form that you can touch. That if you tried to reach it, it will evade you. Like an illusion. Still, it’s beautiful. And that’s all that matters.
Life is just as elusive as a rainbow. You never know when raindrops will start to fall on a sunny day. There’s nothing we can do about it. That’s how life works. But if we focus on the present, we will see the beautiful rainbow. So that’s why I write; to be able to see all the pretty colors of the rainbow. And if I can see them, maybe I can help others see them too.